Decision and heartbreak

March 2000

My Husband and I got married and really wanted to start a family right away. After a couple of heartbreaks, we were told we could not have children without help. I have Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovaries.

We looked at our options, IVF , Adoption and Foster Care. We thought lets look at IVF, because just like most we wanted our own child who was apart of who we were. At the time it was $3000 a go and the doctor said on average it takes three tries. It could work on the first though. "$3000... wow". Medicare does help with the first attempt but of course you do need to pay up front and what if the first go doesn't work. We decided in the end we just couldn't afford to do this. I cried for days and had rivers coming from my eyes to think this was it.

6 Months Later...

Whooo Hooo

We are pregnant. Called everyone parents brothers, sisters cousin.... We couldn't contain our excitement. I was 4 weeks pregnant. Now I know what your thinking, the golden rule, you should not tell anyone until your at least 12 weeks. But hey no help necessary and we were pregnant.

Nov 2000

The doctors had kept a close eye on me and I felt great. Week 12 came round and I was even more excited, we made it. ummmmm.

Week 12 and 2 days

I started to bleed. No idea what was happening. I rushed to the doctor and he said go to hospital. I did. I had miscarried. I was devastated. The doctor at the hospital was cold. For them another day in the office for us our hope and dreams. My baby had died inside. It was Friday evening so I had to wait until Monday for a D&C. For those who don't know it means a clean out.

A whole weekend... I was lost.

Now to explain this next part I should say I come from a Maltese background and culturally they mourn for unborn children. I called my mum who with best intentions said plant a white flower in your garden for your child. "AHHHHH I DON'T WANT TO GARDEN". That was all that was screaming through my head. I know she meant well but I had not wanted to hear that.

Monday morning D&C time. I Still unsure on what I was feeling. Angry I had to wait, sad for my loss, I really didn't know.

The thing is I didn't even check to see how my husband was doing. He was wonderful and supportive but just held me when I needed. It is only now I realised I never asked. I even thought how could he love me when I couldn't hold on to his baby. I felt terrible and full of hopelessness. Every time I saw a new mum in the street with her baby, I was furious at this stranger for her luck. Now I realise I was just grieving

I want you to know the reason I am writing all of this is no one would tell me that this is normal. If you miscarry you will do this and sometimes more and sometimes less. Everyone grieves differently and this includes our husbands.