This is where the weekly appointments start, and a little invasive, mind you I did have a great doctor who was so nice. He advised that I make myself a birth plan. I asked what this meant. He advised that if there are no complications it is a plan to follow during the birth process. He again stated that if there are complications then we do what we can to ensure baby and mum are healthy and safe. Of course I agreed, with really the only part I really was wanting to hear was the birth plan part not the complication side of things.
Now right up until now I was feeling very energised, and this is quite normal as without realising you start nesting. Now I did have my hubby in a bit of a tither with this because I was literally climbing on things to ensure they were clean. He would come home and I would be cleaning a light fitting and he would then ask how I got it down knowing I was way too short to have done this safely. All I can say is I had this indescribable need to clean everything and I mean everything. Corners or skirting, light fittings, door hinges, windows, etc. My hubby would send people around to make sure I was not doing anything silly.
Now I know what you are thinking, this is weird, and logically I knew this, however I could not help myself. I would sit there thinking I will wait to my hubby got home but the need to get it done would drive me crazy, so I would climb big belly and all.
I always had my hubby attend every appointment with me so I felt safe, I mean even though my doctor was wonderful, some of the examinations were invasive so I felt better with him there. Now I know some women prefer not to have the hubby with them for the same reason, but ladies I am saying this so you do not feel bad with whatever decision you make about either having your partner with you or not. My original OB wouldn't talk to us as a couple and wouldn't address my husband at all which made me feel uncomfortable, so we change pretty early.
I got scans pretty much every appointments which was wonderful, because of the issues we had to get pregnant and to keep an eye on the progress of the baby. We decided not to know the sex of the baby, I figure and still do it adds to the excitement. Now I am aware this is not the case for everyone, and you would be amazed at the amount of people who will ask if you know. I think this is up to a very personal decision and whatever you choose to do, do not let other people convince you differently. I got given the ' you know what to buy' comments of course, however there is nothing wrong with white and yellow.
This was such an exciting time as you feel tired but wonderful and tired and energised all at the same time.
I talked to my husband at great length about my idea of what I wanted to achieve for the birth of our baby. Now I would like to point out this was my personal preference, and each person is different and also as much as I didn't what to admit at the time there is always the chance this won't happen.
Basically the decision I made was as natural as possible for I feel for me this is my body at its best so why use things to interfere. I stated that I wanted to use natural oils and my hubby to rub my back and warm baths. If I seriously needed assistance with pain then light pain medication to take the edge off however to avoid if possible.
We also start this week with birthing classes, more to tell chat soon
Just talking about those times when you think "is it just me or..."
6 1/2 months or 30 weeks pregnant
This is awesome, I am tired though. Nothing really to tell except I felt good and apart from lack of sleep (My tummy was in the way) I felt fantastic. I decided I would finish work at 38 weeks and talk to my boss about it all. My 38 weeks fell on the Monday, so I thought I would just finish on the Friday before.
Now this was an intresting conversation. Some guys are just a little dumb. When we had a chat about leave and maternity leave and explained what I was hoping to do I would have been off for just on 7 months. His response your finishing a little early aren't you... mmmmm
Only 40 weeks in a pregancy if everything goes according to plan. Well some people I guess just do not get it.
So I assisted him with interviews for my positions and ensured all the reports where up to date. He was in a panic. I guess he didn't notice my expanding tummy and the fact I went to OB appointments. Odd really but what can I say.
So the decided date I would finish work was the 5th September 2003... I thought I could have a couple of weeks rest and finish getting everything ready.
It was getting exciting and we were looking forward to the birth of my child. My next post I will chat about gifts and well advice it just gets better and better.
Now this was an intresting conversation. Some guys are just a little dumb. When we had a chat about leave and maternity leave and explained what I was hoping to do I would have been off for just on 7 months. His response your finishing a little early aren't you... mmmmm
Only 40 weeks in a pregancy if everything goes according to plan. Well some people I guess just do not get it.
So I assisted him with interviews for my positions and ensured all the reports where up to date. He was in a panic. I guess he didn't notice my expanding tummy and the fact I went to OB appointments. Odd really but what can I say.
So the decided date I would finish work was the 5th September 2003... I thought I could have a couple of weeks rest and finish getting everything ready.
It was getting exciting and we were looking forward to the birth of my child. My next post I will chat about gifts and well advice it just gets better and better.
OK... Names for baby
Naming you baby can be a hard one. Some people wait until the baby it born, some plan by finding out the sex of the baby and others plan for either. Our tasks were made a little interesting. I come from a Maltese / Irish background (yes I know a little confusing) and my husband in Australia through and through. My whole family have two middle names and a third added at confirmation (Catholic Ceremony).
My husband was lucky to have one. If you think agreeing on one name is hard try a boys name and girls name times three. I had my mother trying to put in her input with very ethnic names which were never going to work as our surname is very, well Australian. Suggestions like Constantino and Angelo were not going to work, much to my mums’ disappointment.
We did both agree on one thing, a child should never be named after someone who had died. Having a deceased person name in the middle as an honour is fine, but the person we were having is going to be there own person and should be named as such. Now I know some people do this and I don't disagree with this choice. I feel it is up to them and the family history.
Different cultures also have son and daughters who carry on names. We just didn't want to do that. I found girls names easier to convince my husband of, and I think I might just rant at about this time.
Parents of the world even though a name might be cute when your little girl is a youngster think about were this name will take them later in life. I know this is the prerogative of the parents but please think of the future and the chance your child may want to change there name so they can be taken seriously. That is my rant... Just thought I would get that out. Better now thanks.
Anyway, Boys names this is a hard one. You want something masculine but different but not to different and odd. Something they can say with pride and times it by three. Names that will sound good together and not make any words or acronyms that could be used in a not so nice way. My husband didn't do any ready of the name books it was just me constantly say how about this name or that name and him grunting disapprovingly or approval. Ok girls from speaking to other women this is pretty much universal. Husband will not help, however if you choose a name and if they don't like it, he will tell you. Pretty helpful huh? No not really.
The best book for name was a little pocket book I brought for about $5. Also I purchased another book that was about $35 and had 10,000 boys name 10,000 girls names. I really did not find this useful at all, but some might. It was a US book which had lots of American names in it. I personally didn't like it. The best website for me was http://www.babynames.com.au/ you could play around on this site for such a long time.
I will not tell you what name I chose because of privacy of course but he does have three names and of course his surname. That was one tradition I didn't want to let go of.
My husband was lucky to have one. If you think agreeing on one name is hard try a boys name and girls name times three. I had my mother trying to put in her input with very ethnic names which were never going to work as our surname is very, well Australian. Suggestions like Constantino and Angelo were not going to work, much to my mums’ disappointment.
We did both agree on one thing, a child should never be named after someone who had died. Having a deceased person name in the middle as an honour is fine, but the person we were having is going to be there own person and should be named as such. Now I know some people do this and I don't disagree with this choice. I feel it is up to them and the family history.
Different cultures also have son and daughters who carry on names. We just didn't want to do that. I found girls names easier to convince my husband of, and I think I might just rant at about this time.
Parents of the world even though a name might be cute when your little girl is a youngster think about were this name will take them later in life. I know this is the prerogative of the parents but please think of the future and the chance your child may want to change there name so they can be taken seriously. That is my rant... Just thought I would get that out. Better now thanks.
Anyway, Boys names this is a hard one. You want something masculine but different but not to different and odd. Something they can say with pride and times it by three. Names that will sound good together and not make any words or acronyms that could be used in a not so nice way. My husband didn't do any ready of the name books it was just me constantly say how about this name or that name and him grunting disapprovingly or approval. Ok girls from speaking to other women this is pretty much universal. Husband will not help, however if you choose a name and if they don't like it, he will tell you. Pretty helpful huh? No not really.
The best book for name was a little pocket book I brought for about $5. Also I purchased another book that was about $35 and had 10,000 boys name 10,000 girls names. I really did not find this useful at all, but some might. It was a US book which had lots of American names in it. I personally didn't like it. The best website for me was http://www.babynames.com.au/ you could play around on this site for such a long time.
I will not tell you what name I chose because of privacy of course but he does have three names and of course his surname. That was one tradition I didn't want to let go of.
Yip Yah... I am really pregnant
Finally... This time I waited the time before telling people just in case. Now if you happen to read some of those pregnancy books about the only one I would recommend is 'Up The Duff by Kaz Cooke'. I actually found the others scared the wits out of me... Most where full of old wives tales or worse case scenarios. Which when it is your first pregnancy you really do not want to hear.
Some other books will tell you you should be able to feel your baby kicking somewhere between 16 - 18weeks. This is only the case in about 10 - 15% of pregnant women. I was so worried when I read this I made an extra appointment when I got to 16 weeks because I couldn't wait. My doctor really dislike these books because of information like this. I didn't feel my baby until 21 weeks.
Now I will warn you straight up... Advice will come thick and fast with some really odd information. Now this will continue right though and including whilst trying to breastfeed, but we will get to that.
Now to understand I was extremely lucky to be pregnant so I did talk to my obstetrician a lot about foods and diet as I knew just one thing could be bad for me and my baby.Best advice given was eat naturally by my GP and Obstetrician. What this means is if is is processed then don't eat it. He said things like margarine, diet coke, etc...
One big warning I got was about diet sweeteners like aspartame and that one that starts with 'P' and lots of letters can cause you to miscarry. Again chances of this vary from person to person but I was not taking any risk at all.
To this day I will not touch the stuff. I tended to ignore most other advice given and if I wasn't sure I spoke with my doctor. I must say I even had nurses giving the most bizarre advice. I had a child health nurse tell me that potatoes were bad and that it would give your child diabetes...
Needless to say I freaked, thinking I have hurt my unborn baby. The doctor laughed and said don't believe that even for a second. I now think that male nurses and doctors were better because they are out of the old wives tales loop.
Now, in saying everything that I have I will say that different foods will have different effects on different pregnant mothers to be. I couldn't stomach for a moment any seafood and even the smell would send me running for the toilet.
I was a little unlucky in this regard as well because whilst at work I sat right near the breezeway to the lunch room in a call centre, and it was around this time that most people decided to be on the no carbs or low carbs diet which meant they all ate tuna or Salmon on crackers or with salad. The smell, oh god was terrible to me. I had to wait until lunch was over before I could eat mine. Otherwise from this I had no morning sickness at all.
Cravings... Your not odd
Some old wives tales say if you don't follow your cravings your baby will have birthmarks in the shape of... I know again bizarre. Popular in Maltese culture this one. Anyway, this is not true, just in case you were wondering.
I didn't have strong cravings and seriously didn't matter if I didn't get what I wanted but some expectant mums will have really strong cravings. So don't be surprised, all I say is try to remain healthy in your choice.
My craving otherwise was Pancakes, I couldn't get enough of them, just plain with lemon and butter. My other was strawberries, I would eat whole punnets of strawberries then eat more if I could. These days I still love both but just not on the same scale.
By this stage I was now 16 weeks pregnant and loving it.
Some other books will tell you you should be able to feel your baby kicking somewhere between 16 - 18weeks. This is only the case in about 10 - 15% of pregnant women. I was so worried when I read this I made an extra appointment when I got to 16 weeks because I couldn't wait. My doctor really dislike these books because of information like this. I didn't feel my baby until 21 weeks.
Now I will warn you straight up... Advice will come thick and fast with some really odd information. Now this will continue right though and including whilst trying to breastfeed, but we will get to that.
Now to understand I was extremely lucky to be pregnant so I did talk to my obstetrician a lot about foods and diet as I knew just one thing could be bad for me and my baby.Best advice given was eat naturally by my GP and Obstetrician. What this means is if is is processed then don't eat it. He said things like margarine, diet coke, etc...
One big warning I got was about diet sweeteners like aspartame and that one that starts with 'P' and lots of letters can cause you to miscarry. Again chances of this vary from person to person but I was not taking any risk at all.
To this day I will not touch the stuff. I tended to ignore most other advice given and if I wasn't sure I spoke with my doctor. I must say I even had nurses giving the most bizarre advice. I had a child health nurse tell me that potatoes were bad and that it would give your child diabetes...
Needless to say I freaked, thinking I have hurt my unborn baby. The doctor laughed and said don't believe that even for a second. I now think that male nurses and doctors were better because they are out of the old wives tales loop.
Now, in saying everything that I have I will say that different foods will have different effects on different pregnant mothers to be. I couldn't stomach for a moment any seafood and even the smell would send me running for the toilet.
I was a little unlucky in this regard as well because whilst at work I sat right near the breezeway to the lunch room in a call centre, and it was around this time that most people decided to be on the no carbs or low carbs diet which meant they all ate tuna or Salmon on crackers or with salad. The smell, oh god was terrible to me. I had to wait until lunch was over before I could eat mine. Otherwise from this I had no morning sickness at all.
Cravings... Your not odd
Some old wives tales say if you don't follow your cravings your baby will have birthmarks in the shape of... I know again bizarre. Popular in Maltese culture this one. Anyway, this is not true, just in case you were wondering.
I didn't have strong cravings and seriously didn't matter if I didn't get what I wanted but some expectant mums will have really strong cravings. So don't be surprised, all I say is try to remain healthy in your choice.
My craving otherwise was Pancakes, I couldn't get enough of them, just plain with lemon and butter. My other was strawberries, I would eat whole punnets of strawberries then eat more if I could. These days I still love both but just not on the same scale.
By this stage I was now 16 weeks pregnant and loving it.
Foster Care?
Determine we were... We went through the checks and passed them all. We were convinced this was it, this is what we should be doing. Now December 2002 we had news and great news though we were nervous. "Your Pregnant" I was not confident at all, as previously advised I would probably never see a pregnancy to term. I was not sure what to think. I was happy but sad at the same time. We took our name off the list for Foster Care for now.
The doctors were cautious and I was having ultrasounds every appointment plus specialist ultrasounds for a better picture to ensure everything was going well.
Week 10 I started bleeding, again I thought just not meant to be. Went to the Obstetrician who did a check and said, " Baby's healthy small bleeds are common around this time as the baby starts to look like it should"...
My response, "REALLY? NO WAY... REALLY? OH GOD YEAHHHHH..."
Now just so you know if you do get a bleed and you feel unsure get checked anyway, but it is common and another thing people just do not mention.
I went to specialists appointments every 6 weeks and also my obstetrician appointments. Dr Kelsey was such a nice doctor and lovely man. My husband attended every appointment, because, ummm well doctors poke around and I felt safer with my husband there.
I was still nervous because I wasn't sure if this little person was going to stick around, if so I was due 28th September 2003.
The doctors were cautious and I was having ultrasounds every appointment plus specialist ultrasounds for a better picture to ensure everything was going well.
Week 10 I started bleeding, again I thought just not meant to be. Went to the Obstetrician who did a check and said, " Baby's healthy small bleeds are common around this time as the baby starts to look like it should"...
My response, "REALLY? NO WAY... REALLY? OH GOD YEAHHHHH..."
Now just so you know if you do get a bleed and you feel unsure get checked anyway, but it is common and another thing people just do not mention.
I went to specialists appointments every 6 weeks and also my obstetrician appointments. Dr Kelsey was such a nice doctor and lovely man. My husband attended every appointment, because, ummm well doctors poke around and I felt safer with my husband there.
I was still nervous because I wasn't sure if this little person was going to stick around, if so I was due 28th September 2003.
Another Decision
The year is now mid 2001. My husband and I thought we would be good parents we were financially secure, not rich but OK. So we thought we could look at adoption.
Now this is interesting, and I must admit still leaves a sour taste. We thought that there are lots of children in the world that need someone, and we were willing to be that. It turns out the government in there great wisdom decided that charging an extraordinary amount of money would make it easy. The waiting list is also shocking.
The waiting list for a child is close to 10 years with a cost of between $5000 - $10000. This is supposedly for cost pertaining to the process including court cost. Now you would think leaving a child in a system would cost more and be detrimental to a child. My husband and I could not see the logic. Especially when we knew there where children just waiting.
After speaking with a person from Adoption Queensland and we were informed of this, I ask about overseas. The cost for this at the time was $15000 - $30000 but could be more depending on the country. I was a little cranky and said to the poor girl on the other end of the phone. So we are buying the child, which would leave us broke and no actual funds once we have them with us.
I must say I kind of still feel the same way. Basically is you have the money you have a child. But we had so much love to give and we thought we would be a stable home.
My husband and I talk about it and again decided that is might not be our calling. I was devastated. I just wanted a family more than anything.
I am not sure if the rules have changed at all since this, but I do hope it has.
2002... OK New Year. New Decision...
Our calling we think is foster care. I had done some work with troubled children who's family lives had not been great.
So we went to find out more about it. We went to an information session which was eye opening and also made us more determine. We met the most amazing people who do it for only for the children. Very self sacrificing people. One women who stood out had at the time 4 of her own children and 6 foster children. She only would take children under 7 and only long term care or emergency care. All the kids went to the same school regardless if they were her own or foster children. Which means they went to private school.
I would like to point out she was not well off or made of money. She and her husband had decided they all deserved the same chance. She and her husband loved all those children the same. This of course made both my husband and I more determine.
Now this is interesting, and I must admit still leaves a sour taste. We thought that there are lots of children in the world that need someone, and we were willing to be that. It turns out the government in there great wisdom decided that charging an extraordinary amount of money would make it easy. The waiting list is also shocking.
The waiting list for a child is close to 10 years with a cost of between $5000 - $10000. This is supposedly for cost pertaining to the process including court cost. Now you would think leaving a child in a system would cost more and be detrimental to a child. My husband and I could not see the logic. Especially when we knew there where children just waiting.
After speaking with a person from Adoption Queensland and we were informed of this, I ask about overseas. The cost for this at the time was $15000 - $30000 but could be more depending on the country. I was a little cranky and said to the poor girl on the other end of the phone. So we are buying the child, which would leave us broke and no actual funds once we have them with us.
I must say I kind of still feel the same way. Basically is you have the money you have a child. But we had so much love to give and we thought we would be a stable home.
My husband and I talk about it and again decided that is might not be our calling. I was devastated. I just wanted a family more than anything.
I am not sure if the rules have changed at all since this, but I do hope it has.
2002... OK New Year. New Decision...
Our calling we think is foster care. I had done some work with troubled children who's family lives had not been great.
So we went to find out more about it. We went to an information session which was eye opening and also made us more determine. We met the most amazing people who do it for only for the children. Very self sacrificing people. One women who stood out had at the time 4 of her own children and 6 foster children. She only would take children under 7 and only long term care or emergency care. All the kids went to the same school regardless if they were her own or foster children. Which means they went to private school.
I would like to point out she was not well off or made of money. She and her husband had decided they all deserved the same chance. She and her husband loved all those children the same. This of course made both my husband and I more determine.
History
My husband's father was violent both physical and mentally, and so was mine. We just wanted to do something good and have our own family. To explain I would like to talk about our history.
My husbands father has now turn to religion of course after everyone left him, but still uses this as a stand over tactic. You can still see it in his eyes. Everyone is wrong but me mentality. My husbands mum is an amazing women. She not only put up with this for a number of years during which she had 3 children, but decided when she left she would make a good life for herself and her children.
She studied hard and became a nurse, eventually specialising in aged care. These days she trains and audit for resident homes and is well respected in her field.
My father was great until he got sick. My father he had Lupus which eventually effected him both physically and mentally. Lupus is usually classed as a women's disease, as it only effects men in 7% of diagnosed cases. My father have the most severe version of this which eventually killed him.
My father was a musician and sport mad man. Played hockey loved tennis and played music continually joked around. I adore him. Oneday it changed he became angry and his frustration and with a lack of restraint as the lupus attacked his brain, he started hitting out. My father was on dialysis 4 hours every second day which was actually a relief for us. He couldn't get up from the machine.
I have 2 sisters and a brother. My father took all of his frustration out on my first sister and me. My sister rebel a lot and I tried to make things better. Didn't work he would wait for us and as we walk through a door "SMACK"...
We wanted to prove we were not the same. Regardless of what life throws at you, only you can make the difference about you you will be.
The reason I told you this will be explained shortly...
My husbands father has now turn to religion of course after everyone left him, but still uses this as a stand over tactic. You can still see it in his eyes. Everyone is wrong but me mentality. My husbands mum is an amazing women. She not only put up with this for a number of years during which she had 3 children, but decided when she left she would make a good life for herself and her children.
She studied hard and became a nurse, eventually specialising in aged care. These days she trains and audit for resident homes and is well respected in her field.
My father was great until he got sick. My father he had Lupus which eventually effected him both physically and mentally. Lupus is usually classed as a women's disease, as it only effects men in 7% of diagnosed cases. My father have the most severe version of this which eventually killed him.
My father was a musician and sport mad man. Played hockey loved tennis and played music continually joked around. I adore him. Oneday it changed he became angry and his frustration and with a lack of restraint as the lupus attacked his brain, he started hitting out. My father was on dialysis 4 hours every second day which was actually a relief for us. He couldn't get up from the machine.
I have 2 sisters and a brother. My father took all of his frustration out on my first sister and me. My sister rebel a lot and I tried to make things better. Didn't work he would wait for us and as we walk through a door "SMACK"...
We wanted to prove we were not the same. Regardless of what life throws at you, only you can make the difference about you you will be.
The reason I told you this will be explained shortly...
Decision and heartbreak
March 2000
My Husband and I got married and really wanted to start a family right away. After a couple of heartbreaks, we were told we could not have children without help. I have Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovaries.
We looked at our options, IVF , Adoption and Foster Care. We thought lets look at IVF, because just like most we wanted our own child who was apart of who we were. At the time it was $3000 a go and the doctor said on average it takes three tries. It could work on the first though. "$3000... wow". Medicare does help with the first attempt but of course you do need to pay up front and what if the first go doesn't work. We decided in the end we just couldn't afford to do this. I cried for days and had rivers coming from my eyes to think this was it.
6 Months Later...
Whooo Hooo
We are pregnant. Called everyone parents brothers, sisters cousin.... We couldn't contain our excitement. I was 4 weeks pregnant. Now I know what your thinking, the golden rule, you should not tell anyone until your at least 12 weeks. But hey no help necessary and we were pregnant.
Nov 2000
The doctors had kept a close eye on me and I felt great. Week 12 came round and I was even more excited, we made it. ummmmm.
Week 12 and 2 days
I started to bleed. No idea what was happening. I rushed to the doctor and he said go to hospital. I did. I had miscarried. I was devastated. The doctor at the hospital was cold. For them another day in the office for us our hope and dreams. My baby had died inside. It was Friday evening so I had to wait until Monday for a D&C. For those who don't know it means a clean out.
A whole weekend... I was lost.
Now to explain this next part I should say I come from a Maltese background and culturally they mourn for unborn children. I called my mum who with best intentions said plant a white flower in your garden for your child. "AHHHHH I DON'T WANT TO GARDEN". That was all that was screaming through my head. I know she meant well but I had not wanted to hear that.
Monday morning D&C time. I Still unsure on what I was feeling. Angry I had to wait, sad for my loss, I really didn't know.
The thing is I didn't even check to see how my husband was doing. He was wonderful and supportive but just held me when I needed. It is only now I realised I never asked. I even thought how could he love me when I couldn't hold on to his baby. I felt terrible and full of hopelessness. Every time I saw a new mum in the street with her baby, I was furious at this stranger for her luck. Now I realise I was just grieving
I want you to know the reason I am writing all of this is no one would tell me that this is normal. If you miscarry you will do this and sometimes more and sometimes less. Everyone grieves differently and this includes our husbands.
My Husband and I got married and really wanted to start a family right away. After a couple of heartbreaks, we were told we could not have children without help. I have Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovaries.
We looked at our options, IVF , Adoption and Foster Care. We thought lets look at IVF, because just like most we wanted our own child who was apart of who we were. At the time it was $3000 a go and the doctor said on average it takes three tries. It could work on the first though. "$3000... wow". Medicare does help with the first attempt but of course you do need to pay up front and what if the first go doesn't work. We decided in the end we just couldn't afford to do this. I cried for days and had rivers coming from my eyes to think this was it.
6 Months Later...
Whooo Hooo
We are pregnant. Called everyone parents brothers, sisters cousin.... We couldn't contain our excitement. I was 4 weeks pregnant. Now I know what your thinking, the golden rule, you should not tell anyone until your at least 12 weeks. But hey no help necessary and we were pregnant.
Nov 2000
The doctors had kept a close eye on me and I felt great. Week 12 came round and I was even more excited, we made it. ummmmm.
Week 12 and 2 days
I started to bleed. No idea what was happening. I rushed to the doctor and he said go to hospital. I did. I had miscarried. I was devastated. The doctor at the hospital was cold. For them another day in the office for us our hope and dreams. My baby had died inside. It was Friday evening so I had to wait until Monday for a D&C. For those who don't know it means a clean out.
A whole weekend... I was lost.
Now to explain this next part I should say I come from a Maltese background and culturally they mourn for unborn children. I called my mum who with best intentions said plant a white flower in your garden for your child. "AHHHHH I DON'T WANT TO GARDEN". That was all that was screaming through my head. I know she meant well but I had not wanted to hear that.
Monday morning D&C time. I Still unsure on what I was feeling. Angry I had to wait, sad for my loss, I really didn't know.
The thing is I didn't even check to see how my husband was doing. He was wonderful and supportive but just held me when I needed. It is only now I realised I never asked. I even thought how could he love me when I couldn't hold on to his baby. I felt terrible and full of hopelessness. Every time I saw a new mum in the street with her baby, I was furious at this stranger for her luck. Now I realise I was just grieving
I want you to know the reason I am writing all of this is no one would tell me that this is normal. If you miscarry you will do this and sometimes more and sometimes less. Everyone grieves differently and this includes our husbands.
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